When I'm Broken...

From Josh

“When I’m Broken, see what happens.” Bill Mallonee

     A man at Reba Place said that basically two types of people come to community: broken people, and idealists. I am an idealist, to be sure. But when we visited Reba, and we attended their worship service, I realized how I am broken. I have been broken slowly over the course of five years at this church. I didn’t realize how serious my condition was until I was in that worship environment, where the spirit was moving.

 

     In case you didn’t believe us, we are honestly listening to the counsel of friends as we consider a change in our life. Community has been calling me for a long time, and often I think I should have just made that move a long time ago.

     Today I am in the office of the same church I’ve worked with for five years. I have been listening to counsel from those who love me. First, the Lord whispered to me, and then a few friends have reiterated this: focusing on the people will usually depress and discourage a guy. I must focus on God. And my confession is that my worship has been distracted, and my focus has been a little too dedicated to the task of  “ministry”.

 

     I listened to a friend today who reiterated something Candace and I have been sensing: that there is something of an enemy at work in our situation. We believe Satan has demons that are at work in the world. And it is very likely that I am being tempted to run from this place, from my boss, from the people here that are lukewarm and sleeping, from the people who are convicted or angry.

     My friend and mother in the faith reminded me of times in my life when I have been idealistic and the Lord has gently asked me to settle down and receive what He has been offering quietly. Once before it was to love for the sake of loving. Another time it was to realize that peace, contentment, and ministry flow from a heart that is mindful of the presence of God. Those lessons take time. They did with me.

     I don’t know if we are supposed to stand our ground with the commitment that we won’t leave, that we won’t ask to leave, until our Father leads us on. I do not know. I do want to leave, we both do.

 

     The frustrating people and the work environment are breaking me. The work we put into the unnatural friendships we have is exhausting. The scarcity of soul-friends is making it hard to break down in a healthy way. But I know that the Spirit is in the breaking and in the brokenness.