I have realized that, in examining my life, I have not been able to make it much past the bare essentials that would describe us as getting by. If the housework is done, Jedidiah got his nap and got to bed on time, the family is fed, and we all got some sleep at night, then I count it as a good day. I am living at a fairly low level of Maslow’s hierarchy. Just in the past month, I have felt up to reaching out in relationships – and only sometimes (when all those essentials are in place for a few days). It is on rare and brief occasions that I get the chance to think about bigger things – purpose, goals, meaning, mission. In a rare quiet time that was actually quiet, I feel that God revealed this to me - that I was living with my eyes down and my hopes low. I realize that some of this has been necessary in a difficult time of transition. Sometimes, I just have to do what is required and no more. But, in that moment of clarity, I saw that God has much more for me and for our family. Little by little, I am lifting my eyes and trusting God as I hope for more and evaluate my life based on a higher standard. My desire to love others, give of myself, and use my gifts is gradually returning.
In another moment of clarity, I was sitting at church during the worship time. Josh was playing the drums with the praise band, and I was sitting in the congregation with Jedidiah in my lap. Jedidiah was calm and a little sleepy as he relaxed to the worship music. I could feel our baby girl moving around inside me as she listened to the music. I felt very happy in that moment to be there with these two blessed and precious people that God has created and then entrusted to Josh and I to raise. As I sat, I realized that there is no other station in life in which I would rather be than this one – the mother of young children. I have moments when I feel a little jealous of the freedom of single people or of couples without children; but in that moment, with my two little ones so close, I felt certain that this is where God has me and this is where I want to be. That simple realization has given me the resolve to choose joy through the parenting challenges of this week. And I can see, in times of clarity, that this role in my life is indeed one of learning to love as God loves and of giving of myself in a godly and beautiful way. I feel grateful and happy that God has given me this special and fleeting time in my life to be a mom.
1 comment:
Candace,
You are indeed a blessed woman. I suppose it is natural for each of us to be envious of others in stations of life that differ from ours. Never envy the singleness or childlessness of another person or couple. Rather, remember that so many people (like me and my husband) yearn and try for years to have children, yet, despite seeking God's grace and providence, do not receive children. When I see how God blesses other with children, yet withholds from some, I do not understand, yet I don't envy. God has grown my heart to have joy and love for those blessed with children, to love and desire children even more, and, in a much bigger act of grace, teach me that he has opportunities for my husband and myself to minister to others at this time in our lives in ways we could not if we had children. So, I will let God use me just as I am...right now. Children are a gift from God to you - and to so many others you cannot even begin to imagine or number. Enjoy your children. I know you do.
Your friend
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