Connecting and Separating

I’ve been thinking about a concept a friend introduced in small group. The concept is that we are constantly relating to people with inner as well as audible voices from one of two “spaces”. We are always given the choice to separate ourselves from the other person or people. We can choose and react to the differences (either real or imagined). Reactions usually fall into fear, shame, and judgment. The other space is one for connecting, and working to connect. I have learned that separation comes naturally and connection takes more effort. Separation is a reaction, while connection is mostly a deliberate choice. We make these decisions all day long consciously and unconsciously.

One situation I have noticed these choices presenting themselves is in the context of a movement – like the social justice movement or the environmental movement, certainly the civil rights movement. Personally I am thinking about the New Monasticism movement. In such a movement a zealous young person might want to make their cause a part of their identity, and a mark of distinction. A judgment. A way to pull apart from the herd.

When I heard a friend here talk about a very famous and outspoken Christian who was very different ideologically from my friend, he said that he couldn’t associate himself with the public figure. I think they are brothers in Christ. But my friend wants to make his movement into his identity, and that means separating from the other man.

It’s so easy to get me to talk about the people I think are dumb and that I don’t agree with. It is an impulse to separate. Though, when I do decide to connect and meet another person, and especially if another person decides to connect with me…I feel the Kingdom is coming in those moments.

We just celebrated our 8^th anniversary. (We rode bikes along a river to the Chicago Botanic Gardens. It was beautiful weather and a good time. Also, it was free! Stop shopping.) Anyway, reflecting on our marriage, there are a lot of times when I was trying to separate myself from Candace emotionally or just plain physical space, and she was doing the harder work of choosing to connect and move toward me. She’s a good lady. Since I have learned about this concept I have been trying to consciously choose (and to note that I do have a choice in the matter) to love, accept, forgive and extend mercy.

The friend who introduced me to this says, “We will have to be intentional rather than reactive in order to choose connection.” We’ll need to be willing to “choose again”.